When the Fertility Journey Starts to Affect our Relationships

Today we discuss what to do when we realize the fertility journey has started to affect our relationships. Not only do we tend to turn complex emotions like shame and blame inward on ourselves, but we also may have these intense feelings towards some of the key people in our lives. When this happens, we become further isolated and alone.

When we realize this is happening, we have a choice. We can either dig in our heels and follow familiar patterns of withdrawal or conflict, or, we can pause and ask ourselves what we truly need. Once we figure out what we need, we can learn how to vulnerably share this with the inner circle of our lives and ask for what we need. We discuss how to let go of the stigma that we have to be strong all of the time, and let in the love of others. We also discuss how to widen our view so that our circle of support extends beyond just one or two people. Finding our tribe is essential to getting through this process with wholeness and dignity. We are not meant to heal alone, but in community. 

As always, please keep in mind that this is my perspective and nothing in this podcast is medical advice.

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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.

Transcript:

Welcome to episode four of Love and Science when relationships are affected by the fertility journey. We all know that the fertility journey is just filled with complicated emotions. Sometimes we carry lots of shame or blame, sometimes we have strained conversations with our loved ones. Sometimes, even when we're sitting in silence, we just notice this sense of dis-ease or the feeling that our body has failed us, or regret for decisions that we've made in the past, or maybe decisions that we haven't made in the past, and so what this episode is about is really understanding the ways, the insidious ways, in which the fertility journey is affecting us, and also being able to release some of those complicated emotions, being able to see them for what they are and being able to move on, more so in right relationship with ourselves and with others. I think part of the double arrow of the fertility journey gosh, it's just so darn isolating. And when we have complicated relationships that are influenced by this process, the people that we would normally lean upon the most, sometimes we have intense feelings towards, based on various things. Maybe you're in a partnered relationship and, um, your partner has been engaging in certain lifestyle choices that make the probability of having a child less likely. Um, you know, and they just won't stop those behaviors. That can be very, very uh, frustrating. Maybe it's that you wanted a family on the earlier side and your partner wasn't ready and so you waited all this time and now the ovaries seem to have you know, maybe they're past their prime and there can be feelings of just sort of not being seen, or regret or not being on the same page. There's so many reasons that we might feel just complicated feelings towards the people in our lives. Maybe it's financial. Maybe you've already done some fertility treatment and your partner is saying I really don't think we should do more, I don't think we have the money, the finances and this is really more so of a priority for you than the other person and just feeling like you're on different pages, feeling like you have to argue and advocate for your position instead of being on the same team as your loved one who you're going through this with. If that's your situation, I feel for you, I see you and I know how painful that can be. So what I'd like to do today is to propose three possibilities for moving beyond these conflicts, and my goal really is to help you become more in right relationship with yourself in those moments of silence and also to help you figure out what you actually need and how to approach the people in your life with what you need, because that truly can make all the difference. So let's start by thinking of the last 24 hours.

If you're on the fertility journey, just think of the complicated emotions that you might have experienced. Perhaps it's anger, perhaps it's frustration, perhaps it's overwhelm, regret, despair, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, stress. All these things are so common as we all undergo the fertility process. Maybe there's some other, you know more light emotions. Maybe there's some hopefulness in there. Maybe there's some other, you know, more light emotions. Maybe there's some hopefulness in there. Maybe there's some gratitude, maybe there's even some joy. Maybe there's a little place for joy if you've just gotten good news.

I think we just all need to acknowledge what a complex process this is and that we are all like a soup of emotions. At any given time, maybe we have one primary emotion that is sort of taking up the most space. Part of us is feeling a certain way, but sometimes our emotions compete with each other. Sometimes they are in sort of competition with each other. Sometimes we have two emotions that we could never even imagine having at the same time. But we have two emotions that we could never even imagine having at the same time, but we have them nonetheless. And so I think, turning a light on how complicated we all are and how our previous experiences shape who we are today, and also how our hopes and dreams for the future also shape how we feel today and if we're kind of on the path in alignment with our values, or if maybe we're headed in a different direction. So just take a moment and take a deep breath and give yourself some grace. We are just humans having a human experience, and all of these emotions are what it is to be human. Sometimes some emotions are more uncomfortable than others, but we are on the path, we are on the journey. You're listening to this podcast and there really is hope to drop some of these burdens, to disperse them among people who care and also to move forward in a way that is, you know, in congruence with our values.

And so let's talk about my three suggestions if you feel that your relationships are really suffering as a result of the fertility process. The first is to figure out what we need. The second is to learn how to vulnerably ask for what we need. And the third is really to lean on our village and not just one person. So let's talk about figuring out what we need. I will say whenever we're not getting what we need and I can speak about this personally, because I do this too we often place blame on another person for what's not going right in our own lives. And so, like I said before, maybe it's that we're on a different page than somebody else who's crucial for making decisions about the fertility journey. Maybe it's that, you know, we didn't freeze eggs when we wanted to a few years ago, and now we're in a situation where the ovaries are not doing so well. Maybe it's that we decided to prioritize the career, because we can't do everything all at the same time, always, and who knows if a few years ago, the fertility process would have gone better. But all we can do is look at the present moment and say, gosh, knowing what I know now, I might have made a different decision, but I have what I have now. And again, this is me. Hey, I am a physician. I spent a bajillion years in school myself. I'm not having any judgment whatsoever on people who make various decisions.

My point in this is to say that when we are not getting what we need, we often either blame ourselves or another person, whether it's even warranted or not. Ana DeFranco has this great line about blame, how it's much too messy and how when we're trying to get it on somebody else, we are inevitably get it on ourselves, and I think about that too. If I'm ever blaming somebody else for something, I think what am I not getting right now that I need? If I'm resentful maybe I'm resentful towards somebody in my life what do they have that I don't have? And how can I fill my well in a way that gets me what I need, so that I can at least be neutral towards them, right?

Sometimes, hey, if I'm on the fertility journey and a friend of mine, you know, insensitively announces, you know, that they're pregnant or something like that, like I don't think I can be genuinely happy for that person. You know, I just think it's just too hard. I think we all have those. Maybe part of me is happy, but part of me is frustrated and angry and jealous and all those things. And so I think, if we can be honest with ourselves, the question is what do I need myself so that I am not losing energy through resentment? Or how can I just acknowledge the fact that I am resentful in this situation and do my best to get through every day, feel my well as best as I can and then move forward in a way that I'm doing everything I can for my own journey, and that might mean taking a space from that person in a loving way, just because this journey is so complicated and hard. But I think it's when we notice those uncomfortable feelings coming up if we really don't want them to be sort of driving the bus, so to speak then we can say, oh interesting, a part of me is feeling X, y, z, tell it to go to the back of the bus, where it belongs, and then regain the control of that bus as I learned from Dr Kavitha Sun as the wise leader of that bus and move forward in a way that is just a little bit more balanced and whole in terms of this process.

I think that if we're having strained conversations with our loved ones and we're not getting what we need, maybe it's something as simple as we need more sleep. Maybe it's something as simple as you know we need our partner to listen to us in terms of how we're feeling towards the process. Maybe it's that we need fresh air and a little bit of time when we're not talking about the fertility journey it's different for every single one of us, but I think when we can learn how to start to figure out what we need and to start to meet those needs first, I think that's when we can start to fill the well so that it's more of a buffer when things don't go quite the way we want them to. Or maybe our partner says something that's a little bit callous, perceived as callous or insensitive or snide, or just maybe even as simple as just not the most supportive thing. You know, maybe they just don't get it and they can't be as supportive as we want them to be. Then we just have a little bit more resilience, a little bit more in the well to be like you know what I wish that they understood this better, and I understand that they just can't. I either need to talk to a friend who understands or take some space. But I know confidently that I can give myself what I need, and that's really the point here.

I think a lot of us enter into counseling or other things, even couples counseling because we are just staring in different directions with our partners. If we have a partner on the fertility journey. I see it all the time in the office with my patients. I see people truly facing in opposite directions in terms of the body language, because this journey has just created such a wedge between them. And what I say is, first and foremost, meet your own needs, especially, start with the basic needs, and then you know maybe some of the more emotional needs that are higher up for connection, for love, for authenticity, for self-expression, for you know articulating your values and what you really really want. Be honest with yourself first, and then my second suggestion, moving forward, is that we can learn how to vulnerably ask for what we need. So I think that sometimes it's really hard to admit to ourselves and another person that we're not quote unquote strong 100% of the time.

I think that if we think back to our episode from last week about mindful self-compassion, if we think about how we would treat our best friend, I don't think we would expect our best friends to be strong 100% of the time. I think we would expect that there are periods of relative strength and also times of relative need for support, and it's those sort of that alternation and that flow, that ebb and flow of life experience right, there's a time for everything. That ebb and flow of life experience right, there's a time for everything. We think about a time to be sad, a time to mourn, a time to be happy, like that verse from the Bible that was turned into that beautiful song. There really is a time for everything and we really don't need to be strong 100% of the time. It's actually in our struggles, in our weaknesses, that we can then allow other people to lift us up. And so if we're thinking about, say we've identified what we need, and then we go to either our best friend or our parent you know if they're supportive or maybe a partner if we have one. Maybe it's even something we need at work you know that comes up a lot in terms of schedules and such. Maybe it's even something we need at work you know that comes up a lot in terms of schedules and such and just say you know this is what I really need and to start carving time out for that. It really just makes all the difference. So I think the first part of this suggestion, like I said, is figuring out what we need. But then then also, how can I communicate that to another person, not expecting myself to be perfect or superwoman or like some inhuman figure that just is there all the time, is never, ever, sick, never, ever shows any need for anything.

A lot of us professional women have been sort of I don't want to say raised, that's the wrong word but sort of acculturated into this staunch independence. And that's how we get. Our competitive edge is that we're just always 10 steps ahead of the other people and we have everything we need in our bag and we're just sort of hyper-prepared, hyper-independent and that works well in our professional lives sometimes. But if we really think about it on the more human, personal side of things, does that really serve us in terms of having these wonderful, supportive, loving, juicy human relationships? It really doesn't. It doesn't allow us to allow anybody else in.

We're not fortresses, we're human beings and so being okay with the unresolved, being okay with the human emotions, understanding that vulnerability is part of the human experience and essentially, how we grow and connect with each other, essentially how we grow and connect with each other. It's not always comfortable, but I think it's essential. And when we allow ourselves to show that part of ourselves to another person, that's when we then allow the other person to show themselves when they're going through struggles, and that's really what connects us as human beings. So it is strong to be vulnerable. As Brene Brown says, our vulnerability is our strength, and just getting more comfortable with what we might perceive as weak or imperfect or any of those stigmas that we've attached to it, reframe it in terms of emotional sobriety and being the most amazing human I can be, in terms of being fully human and letting that part shine through.

So that's the second piece of quote. Unquote advice, or my suggestion is to learn how to vulnerably ask for what we need. Maybe it's a limit with socializing, maybe it's a walk outside. Maybe it's a limit with socializing, maybe it's a walk outside. Maybe it's even as simple as a hug. Sometimes it's really hard to ask for a hug, isn't it? I don't know why that is, but I think you know, especially if we're givers right, sometimes it's really hard to ask for something even that simple. But I would say, in the next day, just practice by asking someone you care about for something and just see how it goes. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. And you know, the hard part is you have to be prepared that maybe that person can't do it, or can't do it in that moment, and just trust that you can get that need met in some way. But when we, we, we, we get 0% of what we don't ask for right. But if we ask for something that we need, at least there's a chance.

So my third suggestion, as our relationships are being affected by the fertility process, is to zoom out and really look at who is in our village. Perhaps we have a best friend who is also going through the fertility process, or maybe it's even an acquaintance who we weren't even that close with 20 years ago, but maybe on Facebook we saw something about IVF or something. Sometimes those people we can come together with those people in a way that we didn't expect, but those relationships get stronger. I have a friend like that in my life who I, you know she was actually a colleague and time went on and you know, part of my story is I unexpectedly got divorced and that was, was and is very painful in my life and we reconnected through our divorces and now she's my rock. You know we share three gratitudes a day. I truly don't know what I would do without her and I don't think I think that if life hadn't been the way it was, with the way it went, if we hadn't had that shared experience that was so similar and so on the same timeline, I do wonder you know, you never know, but I do wonder what would have happened.

I think that the universe brings us together when we're supposed to cross paths again or maybe reconnect, and when we can be open to that love. When we can be open to that connection, it really just makes all the difference in the world. So look at the people in your life. Maybe you're doing single parent procreation and maybe you have a relative or a friend, or maybe you're even partnered and your romantic partner is not the person you need to lean on the most during this time. So really broaden your horizons in terms of your whole village, because sometimes a walk with a friend can be even more restorative than a day at the spa, really. So that's my perspective is look at your village.

Another resource that may be available to you is the community that we have at Love Science. As you guys know by now, I do one-on-one coaching, but then on Friday nights we have support groups, and those are just gosh. I move to tears every single time we gather and our members support each other. It is just the most beautiful thing and I firmly believe I believe this for all of my adult life that we are not meant to heal in isolation. We are meant to heal in community, with each other.

And sometimes, especially when nobody's talking about their fertility journeys, it can be so darn isolating. So if you feel called to think about joining the community at Love Science book, a call with me see if that might be a good fit for you. But we have so much going on in terms of our community. We have a WhatsApp chat, we have our Friday night meetings, we support each other during the important events and the day-to-day and all of these things, and so think about if that might benefit you, because I think part of the hardest part about all of this is that nobody seems to understand, and part of my goal is to break that isolation so that we can come together and really heal in community.

So with that, I will say in summary the fertility journey is just full of so many complicated emotions shame, blame, regret, frustration, anger, rage a lot of these emotions that we're quote unquote not supposed to feel as women, right, we're supposed to, like, just put a smile on and keep powering through, and a lot of times we can even judge ourselves for feeling these emotions. But I think just understanding, like last week's episode, this is common humanity. Anybody in this situation would feel this way and we can understand that we're feeling this way. We can figure out what we need in the moment. We can figure out if we need something from somebody else, how to vulnerably ask for that, and we can also learn how to broaden our horizons and to heal in community. So with that, I love you. This week. My intention for you is that you can ask for one thing and that you might feel just a little bit more healed in this process. Talk to you guys soon. Bye.