Transforming the Fertility Journey with Mindful Self Compassion

When your own inner critic becomes your loudest companion, it can be a relentless voice during the highs and lows of the fertility journey. On our latest episode of Love and Science Podcast, we delve deep into the heart of mindful self-compassion, guided by Dr. Kristen Neff's transformative work. We open up about personal struggles and the incredible shift that happens when self-kindness replaces self-criticism, common humanity connects us, and mindfulness keeps us anchored to the present.

The episodes are not just discussions; they are personal accounts and practical steps that you can implement in your life, offering solace and strength as you navigate the challenges of creating life.

We also tackle the emotional roller coaster that is the wait for pregnancy test results, and the coping mechanisms that can make or break those tense two weeks. It's a conversation about embracing grace and intentional self-care, and intentionally choosing meaningful activities that enrich the soul.

Our community is a testament to the collective nature of our struggles, providing not just a listening ear but also a reminder that none of us are alone in this journey. So, join us as we offer not just empathy but tools for resilience and healing, and a reminder that self-compassion can indeed be a life raft in the stormy seas of life.

As always, please keep in mind that this is my perspective and nothing in this podcast is medical advice.

If you found this conversation valuable, book a consult call with me:

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Please don’t let infertility have the final word. We are here to take the burden from you so that you can achieve your goal of building your family with confidence and compassion. I’m rooting for you always.

Transcript:

Welcome to Episode 3 of the Love and Science Podcast. Today we're going to be talking about one of my very favorite topics, which is self-compassion. At Love and Science, we have three main pillars the first is empowerment, the second one is compassion and the third is evidence-based. Today, we will be talking about mindful self-compassion, what it is, what it is not, and how can it help us uplevel our fertility journey. I absolutely love the work of Dr Kristen Neff, who writes an awful lot about mindful self-compassion. She defines it as treating yourself the way you would a friend who's having a hard time, and let's just think about that for a second.

I think that for most of us, if we're really honest with ourselves, we are much kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves, and if you're like me, we have this inner critic. That is the running chatter, and over time, we can learn how to turn that into an inner coach. However, a lot of times we're not even aware how negatively we're talking to ourselves, and when we can actually bring awareness to that, we're like oh my goodness, I think I can do better. Basically, in short, mindful self-compassion is a practice where we can learn how to be a good friend to ourselves. In Dr Kristen Neff's work she talks about the three pillars of mindful self-compassion the first is self-kindness, the second is common humanity and the third is mindfulness. So as we think about self-kindness, that is truly what it sounds like it is it is being kind towards ourself. That means in our thoughts, in our actions, in our orientation to ourself. It means if we make a mistake, we don't automatically beat ourselves up and we hold ourselves with spaciousness, with grace and with kindness. It also means we learn how to soothe ourselves, which sometimes we think about babies learning to soothe themselves.

I think it's super fascinating that a lot of the things we learn as adults actually are things that we maybe didn't learn when we were younger or ways that we learn how to reconnect with our inner child. But I think at some level we all want to be authentically soothed. We often look for this in the externals. Sometimes we use substances or behaviors like compulsive shopping, maybe two glasses of wine a night, ways that we are trying to soothe ourselves. But at the end of the day, it's really that root knowing, that root understanding that we are loved just as we are, that we don't need to change, that we are beautiful, that we are enough, that we are worthy. And when we learn how to treat ourselves with kindness, we are telling ourselves you are enough, you are worthy, you are beautiful inside and out. And when we can start, I don't mean to say we flip the light switch and all of a sudden we have these magnificent thoughts, but when we can start to make these 1% shifts, it really really does have just such a profound impact on how we go about the world, how we respond when we maybe make choices or mistakes that we didn't mean to make, and also, eventually, too, how we are able to relate to others when maybe they miss the mark or they don't meet our expectations. So that is self-kindness.

The second component is common humanity, and that is basically the fact that we are not just isolated individuals but we are actually part of a larger whole, part of a community, and that we share a set of sort of feelings and responses and behaviors that is not just isolated to ourselves but is actually quite common among us. So one way I use this in practice is, I think, to myself, you know, if I'm like starting to judge myself and maybe my feelings about a situation, I might take a step back, look at the big picture and say, my goodness, erica, anybody would feel this way in your situation, right?

Like it makes so much sense that you feel this way because you are a human having a human experience, and this is a very human response to what you're going through. And when I think about it that way, I think about self-judgment as, like the second arrow right, we have the pain of the insult, whatever that might be, and then we have the second arrow, which is the suffering, which is when we think that either things shouldn't be that way or maybe we judge ourselves for feeling a certain way about a situation and it just gets so messy and thick and complicated. So when I can validate and say any human being would have this response, Erica, or this feeling, just give yourself some grace, this too shall pass.

It really just takes the pressure off of me personally, because I am part of the human race, and it also reminds me that I'm not in isolation, that I am never alone, even if it seems that way, and that I am part of a beautiful supportive community, of the village that I have actually cultivated and created, where I give. I give of my time, I give of my talent, I give of my treasure, my ability to be in a healthy relationship, and when the time comes when I need support sometimes, even though it's not easy for me to ask for it it's right there waiting for me, and people are often happy to give in whatever way they can. So that's just a reminder we are never alone.

The third component of mindful self-compassion is mindfulness. Sometimes I hesitate to use this word because I think that popular culture has spun it into. All you need is a little bit more mindfulness. All you need is more hot baths. All you need is more massages and more yoga. I will tell you that more yoga is not going to solve the deepest levels of hurt and fear and anxiety. As pertains to the fertility journey.

It can help an awful lot, but I think that when I'm talking about mindfulness, as it tends to self-compassion, that means that I'm not stuck in the past. I'm not mired in everything that's already happened. I'm not mired in the decisions that I made that maybe I regret or maybe I wouldn't make today. It also means that I'm not stuck in future worry, because those things haven't happened yet. And just as the things of the past are not in my control, the things of the future are definitely not in my control and many of the things I even fear may not even come to pass. So it's a lot of energy that is expended and it keeps us from being present in the current moment.

So I have lots of tips and tricks about authentic mindfulness, which we talk about at Love Science. I think one of the biggest ones is to really figure out how to get into our bodies and how to have a sensory experience of this life, whether it's going to a botanical garden and having the just beautiful, overpowering sense of the flowers just blow us away. Or maybe it's we live in a place where we go on a nature walk and we can hear the crunch of the ground under our feet and we can look up at the leafy green trees and appreciate what a canopy is being created to shade us from the sun. So many different ways we can get into our bodies, so many different ways we can get into our bodies.

It usually involves at least one of our five senses and being so fully in the moment that we can't be mired in the past. We can't be worried about the future, because we are so fully present in that moment that there's not space in our brains or our bodies for anything else at that time. That also goes to when we're with our loved ones. I always try to be fully present, right? We have screen-free zones in our house. I put my phone away when I'm talking with a family member or a good friend, just because I want to give them my full presence, which, of course, is a gift, right? I want to give them my full presence, which, of course, is a gift, right? And we can really only be fully present when we're not distracted by any past or future worry.

So, in review, the three components of Dr Neff's mindful self-compassion are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Now, why can self-compassion be so difficult, I think, especially for a lot of us type A professional women. We are so used to having that inner critic that cracks the whip, that tells us we're not doing good enough. That has been our motivator for maybe 20, 30, 40, 50 years, and it can be so hard to let that go because we're afraid that we're going to lose our competitive edge if we give that up. Now, as I do because I'm a coach, I will lovingly and gently challenge that notion because there's actually a lot of research that when we can tap into those areas of our brains that are more mindful, more self-compassionate, more loving.

It actually increases our brain activity and frees up our creativity and that space for thinking outside the box and solving problems that we actually can perform at a much higher level if we embrace this discipline of mindful self-compassion. It's just that we have to get over that fear. We have to get over that initial resistance. It does not make us soft, it does not make us weak, it does not make us lazy or self-indulgent or slackers. It's also not a pity party. I hear this sometimes too. I think that understanding and just taking a leap of faith that when we are self-compassionate with ourselves, it's not that we drop our standards. In some ways we actually embolden our standards and even raise the bar higher because we're coming from a place of love and not fear. It's just understanding that this is a different way for us.

It might feel uncomfortable, it's like, as an aside, I'm training for a triathlon this summer and part of that involves honing my swimming skills and I haven't swam since I was a kid. Really, I mean, I would never drown. Thankfully, I don't think, because I took swimming lessons my whole childhood and, by the same token, I'm an adult with these sort of not so great habits. I'm a very inefficient swimmer, so when I learn the new strokes, the way that they're supposed to be, it often feels really uncomfortable at first because I'm not used to being that way right, I'm not used to moving that way right, I'm not used to moving my body in that way. But when I see how I can glide through the water with so much more grace, with so much more efficiency and ease, and then I'm actually faster, I think this analogy is absolutely perfect for when we think about what a mindful self-compassion practice can do for us, that we actually move through life with more grace, with more ease, with more efficiency and we can actually get to our goal sooner. I think that's a nice segue into thinking about how mindful self-compassion can help us on the fertility journey. I thought it would be really helpful to take each of the pillars of Dr Neff's schema and looking at an example of how we might feel that we faltered or that we're uncomfortable currently on the fertility journey and what this different paradigm can teach us in terms of how we might be able to uplevel our experience.

So let's look at the first, which is self-kindness. This is something I hear all the time from my patients and my clients Say it's 8 pm, you're doing an IVF cycle and you go to give yourself the first night of medications and you're supposed to give yourself, say, 300 international units of FSH. If you don't know what I'm talking about, do not worry. But this is like the vocabulary of somebody who's going through IVF and say all of a sudden you realize you gave yourself the whole pen, which is a lot more than 300 international units. What do you do in that moment?

Many people, especially if they're conditioned to beating themselves up about things, might call themselves names. They might call themselves incompetent or stupid, or you know, I should have paid attention more in the nursing seminar, whatever it is. Does that help at all? In the moment it doesn't, but it's our old patterning that's speaking. All in the moment it doesn't, but it's our old patterning that's speaking. So what a mindful, self-compassion approach specifically self-kindness might say is okay.

Well, that's out of my control that I gave myself more meds than I should have tonight. I'm either going to call the on-call team, I'm going to call first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll even look it up. Be careful, looking things up online, but go to a reputable source and see if there's any consequence. Some people I know even post in a Facebook group to see if people know the answer. Again, be careful there. You might not get exactly the right answer, but what is in my control in that moment in terms of how I can proceed? What's done is done. There's nothing that can be done. This is a very complicated process. It's complex with lots of medications and even if we're in medicine, it is stressful to give ourselves these medications. A lot is at stake. So saying you know what? I did the best I could. Maybe I didn't do it quite right this time, but I'm going to find out the answer either tonight or in the morning and then I'm going to do my best.

Moving on from there, and I will tell you from my experience most medication errors are actually not so grave as they may seem. There can be some flexibility with the medications and most of them do not ruin a cycle, but sometimes it feels like the end of the world when this happens and we feel like there's something fundamentally wrong about us. I would just say, if your best friend called you and said she's going through IVF and she thinks she messed up her medications the first night of the journey and what to do. Just think about how you might respond to her and try and turn that energy to yourself. So that's the first example, and that's an example of self-kindness. That's the first example, and that's an example of self-kindness.

The second example I want to give is say you are waiting for the pregnancy test and you are thinking about how you want to spend that time. So this is really an exercise of mindfulness, which is again one of the three pillars of Dr Neff's schema. There is no right way to spend the time as you are waiting for your pregnancy test, whether you've done a cycle of relations at home, an insemination cycle, even an IVF cycle with an embryo transfer. I think it takes a very individualized approach and that depends in part on your personality and just kind of how you see the world and how you move through your life and how you interact with time. I will tell you time will keep passing, but by the same token, how do you want that time to feel? So I have many clients and patients and this is not right or wrong who decide to purposely distract themselves during that time.

Maybe they choose to work a little bit more. Maybe they choose to stay busy, maybe they choose to go on a trip where they're still not in the Arctic tundra, but somewhere where, if something happened, they could reach their REI clinic without too much difficulty, and that's one way of dealing with it. Another way is to say, ok, well, whether this works or not, I really hope it does, of course, but whether this works or not, the time is going to pass and I might as well make myself feel as good as I can during that time. So sometimes people intentionally get a pedicure or a facial or they go on a nature walk in a beautiful space, but just really being very intentional about how to spend that time and maybe even doing something every single day to get into their senses.

I actually have a client. Recently and I adore this she bought a new pair of shoes for work and she bought a new bra and that was her treat to herself while she waited for the pregnancy test and actually spoiler alert it actually worked. I'm so excited for her. But, in terms of she said, I just really want to get into my body and I want my body to feel good and these are things I've been meaning to do. I'm not going to do my taxes because that's going to stress me out, but I'm going to really intentionally do things to get embodied, to really experience my body in a positive way, and I just think that that's so very beautiful. So that's that mindfulness that we talk about in terms of intentionally getting into the present moment, so that thoughts about the past, thoughts about the future, don't continue on these rumination loops, but instead we can access all that life has to offer, because, it is really true, all we have is the present moment, so we might as well enjoy it.

The third pillar that we talk about is common humanity. I know my order is a little different, but I think you can bear with me. So one thing that a lot of my patients and clients tell me is just that this process is so darn isolating, and I think you know when we think about how can we connect with others, when maybe we're feeling shame that we're going through this, maybe we feel stigma, maybe our family members just don't understand, maybe they're against fertility treatments for some reason and they don't support what we're doing. There's so many ways that we can feel isolated. I mean, we might even think that we're the only one we know that's going through this, and I promise you that is not true, because when one in six couples has infertility and one in four female physicians has infertility, we are never alone.

Everybody knows somebody, but we suffer in silence and social media keeps us thinking that the only good things that are happening in the world are baby announcements and things. And I promise you, it's the people who are suffering who are not posting, and they may even be an equal measure to the people who are posting. But that is just how, unfortunately, social media works. It's a big filter. So thinking about what common humanity means is that I'm not the only one with this particular problem. I'm not the only one with these big, heavy feelings, and I know that there's people I can connect with to ease the burden, share the burden and even, you know, from a karmic standpoint, when we celebrate other people's journeys at whatever point that they're at and I say this very cautiously because I know that when somebody in your life gets pregnant, it's a really, really tough thing if that's something that you're experiencing.

But even from the very beginning like, for instance, when we come together at Love Science during our Friday night support groups, wherever people are at in their journey, whether it's deciding whether to freeze eggs, whether it's deciding whether to do an IVF cycle, whether they're full on an IVF and they're about to have an embryo transfer and waiting for the pregnancy test all of that. We celebrate each other, we support each other, we challenge the model, the societal model, that women have to be in competition with each other. It is just so beautiful and I can't think of any better example of common humanity than what we do at Love and Science, because we intentionally come together to support each other and everybody has their season, everybody has their turn and everybody is seen and valued and validated, and it's just so beautiful.

So I think that creating safe spaces is really important as we think about mindful self-compassion, specifically the common humanity piece, because when we hear each other's stories, when we hear each other's struggles and triumphs, we realize that that's our story. It's just maybe the small details are just a little bit different, but every journey at the core is the same. We all on this journey, have the same fundamental desires and hopes and dreams, even if the stories take a little bit different flavor. So I want to say we are here for you at Love Science. If you're curious, we'd love to support you in that way with the one-to-one coaching and especially the group calls.

But really, even if it's not Love Science, find your tribe, find your community. There is so much healing that happens when we come together and we really, really need not suffer in silence. It just makes everything 100 times worse, awesome. It just makes everything a hundred times worse, awesome. So with that I will end by summarizing what mindful self-compassion is. It is treating ourselves as we would treat our very best friend. It is turning that inner critic into an inner coach. It is pausing and learning how to self-soothe, and not necessarily doing things that distract us from our reality.

That's okay, especially if it's intentional. But I think that like authentic self-soothing in terms of getting into our senses, coming together in community, deciding how we want to spend our time and not just feeling like, oh, my goodness, I've just scrolled social media for three hours because I really am uncomfortable right now, I don't want to face certain things and now I just feel worse. It's a very intentional approach to life and it also means that when something happens that doesn't go according to plan A, we can take a step back, be kind to ourselves, realize that anybody in our situation would have this experience, this struggle, and we can really give ourselves some grace. So, with that, thank you for joining me today. I adore you, I'm here for you, I'm rooting for you always. Bye.